Alex McClintock theguardian.com, Wednesday 26 March 2014
We're getting knights and dames, presumably because in the Coalition's new, masculine country, being a Companion of the Order of Australia simply sounded too girly
Arise Sir Beefy: Ian Botham gets knighted at Buckingham Palace in 2007. Photograph: Rex Features
Knighthoods and, er, damehoods are back. Prime minister Tony Abbott announced the move on Tuesday afternoon and immediately conferred the honour on the governor general, Quentin Bryce, and her successor, Peter Cosgrove.
In their rush to employ the seldom-used “governors general” plural, reporters initially thought Abbott had made another sexist gaffe and was referring to Bryce as “a classy dame”, but it soon became apparent he was updating the honours system.
The prime minister said he did not believe the current honours were enough to acknowledge truly exceptional achievements.
"That is for eminent achievement. This is for pre-eminent achievement," said Abbott, grinning widely at his successful use of a prefix.
The prime minister did not comment on whether he would use “the big sword” when awarding future knighthoods.
“It’s good to see the government has a plan for knights and dames – where’s their plan for jobs?” said opposition leader Bill Shorten, before yelling “zing” and insisting that deputy opposition leader Tanya Plibersek to “give him some skin”.
Obviously this is satire, though: Shorten doesn’t have that much personality.
So let’s just cut to the chase here, wimps. No one wants to be a Companion of the Order of Australia when they could be a knight. This is Abbott’s new, more masculine Australia and “companion” just sounds girly. Being a knight, on the other hand, is old school. I’m pretty sure you get a suit of armour.*
Like smoking cigarettes or riding a motorcycle, being a knight is cool, even if it is dumb.
Abbott said that up to four of the honours would be granted each year, which unfortunately means no one will be eligible until 2018, when the government finishes knighting every member of Australia’s 2012/13 Ashes-winning cricket team.
The PM said the new honour would be for those who have “accepted public office rather than sought it and who can never by virtue of that office ever entirely return to private life."
That, then, should rule out Abbott’s mentor and former prime minister John Howard who sought public office a cool 14 times. It wouldn’t be like Abbott to say one thing (for example, that he wouldn’t bring back knighthoods) and then do the complete opposite three months later.
So as Dame Quentin and the soon to be Sir Peter amble off, who is in for a gong at our next round of knighthoods? With the power to award the honour resting solely in the hands of the PM, horrifying thoughts of Sir Piers Akerman and Sir Andrew Bolt come to mind (you might laugh, but they already changed the racial vilification laws for one of them).
But no, there is one candidate who stands head and shoulders above the rest. A man whose services to Australian sport are unequalled. A man who, because of those services, has never been able to “return to private life”. A man who can no longer muse to his 1.5m Twitter followers in private, nor post a shirtless selfie on Instagram without it making the papers. A man who will unite Australia behind the new honours system.
Arise, Sir Warney.
*Actually I'm 90% sure you don't.
