By ABC's Norman Hermant  Monday 04 May 2015

Photo: Nine kilometres from the CBD, and I have the same average internet speed as Burkina Faso. (ABC News: Nic MacBean)

Not content to live indefinitely with subpar internet speeds, and with no NBN contractors in sight, Norman Hermant was down to one last shot. The enemy. Telstra.

When I last checked in, some readers will recall that when I moved to West Footscray, in Melbourne, I found myself saddled with slow-mo West African internet speeds. I mentioned that I would eventually psych myself up and attempt to find a solution.

Well, it didn't work. I'm trapped.

After discovering my iiNet ADSL "2 +" service was severely compromised, I decided to investigate options. ADSL was not going to work, iiNet explained, because they rely on Telstra infrastructure to get to the nearest exchange. In my case, that distance is more than 4 kilometres. That's too far for good speeds via ADSL - or as iiNet put it, "Your distance to the exchange exceeds our theoretical operational distance."

Cable internet could be an alternative. iiNet doesn't offer it. But Optus does. Aha. I went online (at work - at home would have taken forever) to the optimistically labelled "Optus Yes" page. I entered my address and was told the good news. I could get connected to ADSL 2+. Yay...

I called Optus and explained the exchange distance issue. Cable broadband was a possible solution. But, Optus explained, they'd have to check. A technician would do a "site drive by" to assess whether they could run a broadband cable from the utility pole across the street into our townhouse. I waited.

The next week, I got a call from Optus. The technician had driven by our townhouse. Incredibly, our neighbour on the right hand side - basically the other half of the townhouse - can get cable broadband. Our half of the townhouse can't.

Perhaps sensing my incredulousness, they sent an email, just to confirm:

Hi Norman,

Following up on our discussion today, your address XXXXXXX FOOTSCRAY WEST 3012 is not serviceable via the Optus Cable network.

We have been advised there are 3 reasons as to why the address is not serviceable -
1. Drop will run across windows
2. Height issue
3. Point of Attachment

We regret to advise that these factors mean a service cannot be delivered to you via Optus cable.

I couldn't believe it. Townhouse B can't get cable broadband, but Townhouse A can? I attempted to shame them, tweeting a picture to illustrate the injustice:

Optus responded:

Norman Hermant @NormanHermant

#WeFo #slonet @Optus says twnhse on rt. CAN get cable internet. Twnhse on left CAN'T. No escape from ADSL crawl.

Optus

✔ @Optus

@NormanHermant We may just need to update our cable records Norman Send details via http://goo.gl/uzTUWR - Tris

10:02 AM - 9 Apr 2015

There was hope! Maybe their map just needed updating. Maybe their technician just drove by too fast. Maybe ... maybe ...? Optus? No. Twelve days later, there was this:

Hi Norman,

I'm really sorry to say that the address: XXXXXXXXX FOOTSCRAY WEST 3012 is not serviceable via the Optus Cable network. There was an investigation as part of your previous contact and our network engineers have confirmed that.

So, I was down to one last shot. The enemy. Telstra.

We had been with Telstra's BigPond service in the rented house we had left. It was not a pleasant experience. But hey, if I could escape my 1.55 Mbps average download "speed" via Telstra cable broadband, I'd give it a shot.

I called up Telstra Broadband sales.

"Cable broadband, sir? I can help you with that," said the very nice saleswoman. "I just need your address".

There was a long wait on hold while she checked with back office. The news was not good. Cable was not available.

"They informed me that Telstra will not be building any more infrastructure in your area since everything will be converted to NBN," she said.

"When?" I asked.

"This area is not yet serviceable for NBN. The timeframe for NBN - I don't have in my department."

Instead, I was transferred to the NBN Department. That's right. Telstra has its own NBN Dept. Not that they can tell you much.

"I was able to check. This area is not yet serviceable," said Ben. He continued in somewhat unorthodox syntax, "I am not able to forecast when will be the expected date."

For more detailed information, he suggested, I should turn to the NBN itself. So, off I went to the NBN "Check Your Address" page.

Here's what I got back:

The rollout of the nbn™ network has not started yet in this location.

Yeah, I kind of gathered that. In a final bid for some sort of timeframe, I waited on hold on NBN's general enquiry phone line. Eventually, I spoke with Nathan.

"Educated guess," he said, "you're looking at a minimum of two years. If they started right now, you'd be at least 18 months."

Trust me. They are nowhere near to starting right now.

So, there you have it. Nine kilometres from Melbourne's CBD, and I have the same average internet speed as Burkina Faso - ranked 195 in the world. And there's nothing I can do about it.

It's going to be a long wait for the NBN.

Norman Hermant is the ABC's social affairs correspondent.

My internet hell (part two): there is no escape - The Drum (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)