Ben Pobjie theguardian.com, Sunday 8 September 2013

In a shock twist, what everyone knew was going to happen has happened. Here is my special custom-made guide to surviving the Abbott years for you to print out and keep in your wallet

Prime minister-elect Tony Abbott and his wife Margie and daughters Louise, Frances and Bridgette, on stage to celebrate his election victory. Photograph: Alan p

Well, here we are. In a shock twist, what everyone knew was going to happen has actually happened, and we are now all under Tony Abbott’s muscular thumb. Democracy, that great experiment formulated to make sure that we always get exactly what we want, has failed, leading instead to other people getting what they want.

But look, we can’t live in denial: the fact is we have at least three years until prime minister Plibersek institutes her glorious new regime, and we have to find a way to get through those three years somehow. With that in mind, here is my special custom-made guide to surviving the Abbott years for you to print out and keep in your wallet until 2016. Just a few handy tips for keeping body and soul together through the dark times.

1. Look at Tony Abbott’s positive attributes

For one thing, we will have the fittest prime minister ever, which I think will really be an inspiration to our millions of fat children. Also, the election of the hated Abbott has saved us from the prime ministership of the hated Rudd, who saved us from the hated Gillard, who saved us from the hated Rudd, who saved us from the hated Howard. What I’m saying is, no matter how bad our current prime minister seems, it’s important to remember that we aren’t very good judges, so keep your chin up.

2. Enjoy your evident superiority

Everyone knows it’s a lot more fun being clever, insightful and compassionate when you’re in the minority. For the next three years, keep one crucial thought at the front of your mind: YOU are right, and THEY are wrong. And because so many of them are wrong, you’re not only right, you’re SPECIAL. You can go about sadly shaking your head at the population’s ignorance and selfishness for three full years.

3. Get a hobby

A good distraction will stop you from going mad at the country’s nightmarish spiral into crypto-fascism. Take some scrapbooking classes, or buy a remote-control boat. Often the best way to deal with a terrible situation is to pretend it’s not happening and/or learn calligraphy.

4. Take comfort ...

... in the fact that though the Abbott government may be dreadful, at least we don’t suffer civil wars, state-sanctioned murder, corrupt kleptocracy, brutal dictatorship or violent anarchy like so much of the world does. Thinking of how relatively stable and peaceful we are, and by extension how lucky you are to live here, should cheer you right up.

5. Take comfort ...

... in the fact that though the rest of the world might suffer civil wars, state-sanctioned murder, corrupt kleptocracy, brutal dictatorship and violent anarchy, at least they don’t have to live with an Abbott government. Thinking about how much worse off Australia clearly is than the rest of the world, and by extension how brave you are to live here, should cheer you right up.

6. Move to New Zealand for some reason

7. Calculate

Spend three years obsessively calculating exactly who is to blame for all of this. Obviously it’s Rudd, but you can also include Bill Shorten, Paul Howes, Alan Jones, Kyle Sandilands, Julian Assange, Mark Latham, John Howard, Graham Richardson, Joe Hildebrand, Leigh Sales and Sonia Kruger. In fact the beauty of this method of time-passing is that almost anyone can be blamed. Once you determine who is to blame, make sure you tell everybody you know, repeatedly and at enormous length.

8. Call Liberal voters idiots

This is not in any way constructive, but it feels great and it is, self-evidently, true.

9. Get involved, sign online petitions

If you’re unhappy with the way things are, be the change you wish to see in the world, and get politically active. Click "Like" on Facebook groups, send angry tweets to MPs. If you want to get really extreme, subscribe to GetUp emails. You can make a difference. Remember that the standard you walk past is the standard you accept, and share that meme!

10. Drink very, very heavily

10 ways to survive the Tony Abbott years | Ben Pobjie | Comment is free | theguardian.com